Masturbation. There, we said it. For many guys, it's the most common unspoken hobby – kind of like the Fight Club of male sexuality (Rule #1: Don't talk about it!). Yet nearly all men do it or have done it. In fact, a recent nationally representative survey found about 60% of men masturbated in the last month, and fewer than 1 in 10 men have never done it. So if you're a man with a pulse, odds are you've gone a few rounds solo. But when you're in a relationship, this hands-on activity can become a sticky (pun intended) subject. Is it normal to masturbate when you have a partner? Could it hurt your relationship? And how on earth do you bring it up with your significant other without dying of embarrassment?
Relax – we're going to break down the facts and the fiction with help from sexologists, psychologists, and relationship experts. We'll talk about why guys masturbate (spoiler: because it feels good and it’s healthy), how it can impact your relationship, and how to discuss it with your partner like an adult (a slightly nervous adult, perhaps, but an adult nonetheless). We'll even throw in a few relatable guy-to-guy testimonials. So, gentlemen, grab hold of your courage (and nothing else for now) – it's time to have an open, informative, and slightly humorous chat about masturbation.
Masturbation: Everybody Does It (So Why the Silence?)
Let's start with the obvious: masturbation is extremely normal. Study after study confirms that most men—single, dating, or married—masturbate. It's basically standard equipment in the male operating manual. “Evidence indicates it is a normal, healthy, and even beneficial act—regardless of relationship status,” notes an article in Verywell Mind. In other words, just because you've got a girlfriend or wife doesn’t mean you’ve lost the urge for some "me time." It’s not unusual for people in relationships to masturbate in addition to having regular sex with their partners.
Why, then, all the awkward silence? Historically, society hasn’t been super chill about the topic. (Fun fact: The United States even had a Surgeon General, Dr. Joycelyn Elders, fired in the 1990s after she suggested that teaching about masturbation might benefit safe sex education. Yes, mentioning masturbation cost someone a job at the White House!) Many of us grew up with the idea that masturbation is shameful or "dirty." By adulthood, it's ingrained: do it in secret, and definitely don’t talk about it – not with your buddies, and certainly not with your romantic partner.
The result? A lot of couples never address the topic. Joe Kort, a sex therapist with 35+ years of experience wrote that he's still surprised how often couples, especially male-female couples, avoid ever talking about masturbating. It's treated like a taboo, even when both people are privately doing it. “You shouldn’t have to masturbate, you have me!” is a common sentiment, says Kort – but the reality is most partnered people do masturbate, whether they admit it or not. We’re perfectly capable of enjoying sex with a partner and with ourselves, so a little solo action isn’t automatically a knock against your relationship or your lover.
Dropping the shame and silence is step one, because understanding this normalcy can help both you and your partner breathe a sigh of relief: masturbating doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you or your relationship. In fact, it can be part of a healthy sexual life (more on that next).
Myth vs. Reality: Is Solo Play Hurting or Helping Your Relationship?
Time to tackle the big question: Does male masturbation hurt your relationship, or not? If you’ve got worries swirling in your head, you’re not alone. Lots of men (and women) have misconceptions about what masturbation means when you're committed to someone. Let’s clear up a few of the biggest myths with facts from the experts:
Myth 1: "If I masturbate, I must not love/find my partner attractive enough."Reality: Wrong. Masturbation is a complement to partnered sex, not a competition with it. It's normal for people in happy relationships to masturbate on the side – it doesn't mean your partner isn't hot enough or that something's missing. Often, it just means you have an individual sexual urge or routine that’s separate from your joint activities. Wanting to masturbate when you’re married doesn’t necessarily mean there is anything wrong with you, your partner, or your sexual relationship. Guys have many reasons for rubbing one out that have nothing to do with dissatisfaction: stress relief, winding down before sleep, or just habit. As sex therapist Joe Kort puts it, most people in relationships do masturbate and it isn’t necessarily taking anything away from their partner. You can love your partner and still enjoy solo sessions – the two aren't mutually exclusive.
Myth 2: "You shouldn’t have to masturbate if you have a willing partner."Reality: This one usually comes from the partner’s mouth, as in “Why would you need to do that if I’m here?” But needing to masturbate isn’t a sign your partner is failing you. Think of it like enjoying a snack even though you have dinners together every night – sometimes you just have a taste for something different (or you’re just hungry, period). Sex therapist Dr. Lawrence Siegel light-heartedly calls this the “pizza vs. Chinese food” analogy: you might adore pizza (sex with your partner) but occasionally you crave Chinese (solo play) – it doesn't diminish the pizza! Masturbation is often about self-focused pleasure that’s quick and easy, whereas partnered sex takes coordination and energy. Solo sex can simply be more convenient or meet a different need. We’re perfectly capable of having sex with a partner and with ourselves – one doesn’t replace the other. As long as your solo sessions aren’t replacing all your intimate time together, it’s usually no harm, no foul.
Myth 3: "If he’s masturbating, he must be unhappy or bored with our sex life."Reality: Not necessarily. In fact, research suggests the opposite cause-effect in many cases. A systematic review of studies found that men who masturbate more often tend to report lower sexual satisfaction with their partner. However, experts interpret this not as masturbation causing dissatisfaction, but rather that men might masturbate more when their needs aren’t fully met by partnered sex (a "compensatory" thing). In plainer terms: if a guy isn't having sex as often as he’d like, or there's some disconnect in the bedroom, he might turn to his hand to fill the gap – hence the correlation with lower satisfaction. It's a clue, not a verdict. So, if you or your partner notice that solo play is largely replacing your shared sex life, treat it as a smoke signal. Maybe there’s stress, mismatched libidos, or unresolved issues in the relationship that need attention. On the flip side, plenty of content, sexually satisfied men also masturbate regularly; they’re not unhappy at all. They just have additional solo desires. Context is everything.
Myth 4: "Masturbation is basically cheating!"Reality: Unless you’re literally fantasizing about cheating (hey, no judgment, but that’s a different conversation), masturbation is not infidelity. It is not a betrayal or a replacement for your partner – it's self-love, not love love. Sexologist Sadie Allison emphasizes that masturbation isn't about replacing a partner; it's a separate experience with its own benefits. In fact, many therapists say it's healthier to consider it part of your sexual repertoire rather than taboo. Problems only arise if it’s done in secrecy that undermines trust (more on that below) or if you explicitly promised your partner you wouldn't do it and then broke that promise. Otherwise, it’s understood as a private behavior most people do. As long as you’re not lying about it or neglecting your partner, it’s lightyears away from actual cheating. Is your partner’s vibrator on the nightstand? Also not cheating. Same concept.
Myth 5: "Masturbation will ruin our sex life (e.g. he won’t want real sex or won’t perform well)."Reality: Moderate masturbation won’t wreck your libido or performance. In fact, as noted earlier, it can even boost libido and sexual responsiveness for many men. Your penis doesn’t come with a finite number of erections or orgasms – it’s not one of those clicker pens that runs out of ink. Unless a guy is masturbating multiple times a day to the point of exhaustion, most will still desire partnered sex. However, it's true that if someone gets extremely accustomed to a very specific way of getting off (ahem, death-grip or only via a certain porn scenario), he might need to vary things up so that partnered sex is just as stimulating. This is like avoiding doing the exact same workout every single day so you don’t fatigue one muscle group. The solution is simple: keep a balance. Also, communication with your partner can help here – if you worry that your solo technique is affecting your coupled technique, talk about ways to spice up or adjust your partnered play. But in general, fear not: an occasional date with yourself isn’t going to destroy your desire for your actual date.
Now, let's address the giant pink elephant in the room: porn. Many modern masturbation sessions involve porn, which can add another layer of concern for couples. Your partner might feel hurt or insecure if she finds out you're watching other naked people, or you might worry porn sets unrealistic expectations. This could be an article in itself, but briefly: as long as your porn use isn’t extreme, "addictive", or making you compare your partner unfairly to adult stars, it’s usually okay. Still, it’s a tender topic – so if porn is part of your routine, you’ll definitely want to be upfront about it when you have "the talk" with your partner. Reassure her (if it's true) that it’s a fantasy outlet, not a sign of disinterest in her. And be open to any boundaries she might have (some couples are totally fine with it; others set limits like “no porn when I’m home,” etc.). The key is that this too falls under honest communication. Which leads us to...
Coming Clean: How to Talk to Your Partner About Your “Alone Time”
Alright, deep breath. You’ve learned that masturbation is normal and can even be positive for you and your relationship. You want to be open with your partner so it doesn't become a lurking secret. But how do you actually have that conversation without it being awkward or blowing up in your face? Talking about masturbation with a partner can feel like walking into a minefield naked. The good news: plenty of sexologists and therapists have advice on this, and we’ve distilled their top tips for you.
1. Normalize the Topic: Set the stage by making it clear that masturbation is a normal part of life. You might bring it up when the context is right – say, after a relevant movie scene or article you read (you could even share this article!). The idea is to break the ice in a casual way. Sexologist Dr. Jess O’Reilly suggests starting broadly: “When talking to your partner about self-pleasure, ask questions and be open to different perspectives. You can ask them what they enjoy or mention the kind of messages you grew up with about masturbation to get the conversation flowing”. In other words, ease in. You might say something like, “So I was reading this funny-but-serious article about how common masturbation is, even for people in relationships... Did your school or parents ever talk to you about that stuff?” This invites a dialogue rather than a confession/accusation vibe.
2. Pick the Right Moment (and Mood): Don't start the chat in the heat of an argument or when either of you is distracted or upset. Aim for a relaxed, private moment when you both feel comfortable. Maybe when you're cuddling on the couch on a lazy weekend, or during a cozy after-dinner talk. Some humor can defuse tension – a light remark like, "Babe, we never really talked about our ahem alone time habits. Could be a fun/weird conversation, but I promise it's nothing bad," with a little grin. If you present it with a chill tone, your partner is more likely to stay calm too.
3. Emphasize It’s Not a Replacement for Them: This is crucial for preventing misunderstandings. If your partner knows you masturbate, she might secretly worry that you prefer porn or your hand over her. Proactively reassure her. As Dr. Sadie Allison, clinical sexologist, advises: “Be open with your partner about when and why you masturbate and how it’s not a substitution for them.”. Make it clear that this is a you thing, not because she isn't enough. For example, you could say: “Sometimes I masturbate, but it's honestly just something I do to relax or if our schedules don't line up – it's absolutely not because I'm unsatisfied with what we have. You are amazing to me. This is just... different.” By hearing that, she’s less likely to feel threatened. Remember, “masturbation is not about replacing a partner” and the two acts (solo vs. partnered) are different – if you underscore that, you nip the jealousy/inadequacy issue in the bud.
4. Share Your Perspective and Listen to Theirs: Explain your personal reasons or frequency if you’re comfortable. You don’t need to divulge every detail (“On Tuesday I used my left hand...”), but giving a general idea helps demystify it. You might say, “Yeah, I do masturbate occasionally, maybe a couple times a week, usually when I’m stressed or can’t sleep.” By stating it plainly, you show that it's a normal part of your routine. Then invite your partner’s thoughts: “How do you feel about that? Is it weird to talk about?” or “Do you ever... you know, take care of things on your own too?” Some partners will admit they do (many women masturbate as well, though they might feel just as shy to say so), which can actually be a relief and even a bit of a turn-on to learn. If your partner has concerns (“Does that mean you aren’t satisfied with me?” or “I feel weird that you watch porn”), address them one by one, calmly and honestly. Validate her feelings – let her know you understand why she might worry – and then gently correct any misconceptions (refer back to the Myth vs. Reality section if you need backup!). The goal is understanding each other, not defending or accusing.
5. Make It a Two-Way Conversation, Not a Confession: Keep the tone collaborative. This isn’t you on trial; nor is it an interrogation of her habits. It’s two partners figuring out how to integrate solo sex into your shared understanding. You might even discuss boundaries or agreements: Is it okay for both of you to masturbate without telling each other every time? (Most couples would say yes – you don’t need to report it like a weather update. But some might prefer more transparency if it affects your sex life.) Are there any things that would bother either of you? For instance, some partners are fine knowing the other masturbates, but they'd feel hurt if it happens while they are actively wanting sex and get turned down. If that resonates, you could agree to check in before opting for solo play: e.g., “Hey, I'm in the mood – are you up for it tonight, or should I entertain myself?” It might feel awkward at first, but it's actually a considerate approach. As Joe Kort notes, couples should “negotiate what is and isn’t okay and respect those boundaries” regarding masturbation. Having a candid chat means you two get to set the ground rules together.
6. Reassure and Include Your Partner: Often the conversation itself is the biggest hurdle. Once it’s out in the open and you reassure your significant other that she’s truly enough for you, most partners relax. Many will even appreciate your honesty and vulnerability in bringing it up. “One common thing I hear is that partners can sometimes feel threatened when their partner chooses to masturbate over having sex,” Dr. Sadie Allison says. “It’s important to explain how different the two acts are... Masturbation provides benefits that are worthy of conversation. Be open and make sure they know it’s not about them lacking in any way.”. So reassure, reassure, reassure. You can even invite your partner to be part of it in some fashion, if that intrigues both of you. For example, maybe you share some of your fantasies or the type of erotica that gets you going – sometimes, that can lead to both of you exploring new turn-ons together. Some couples might even try watching ethical porn together or engaging in mutual masturbation as we mentioned. Frame it as an expansion of your intimate life, not a seedy secret. But if your partner isn’t into that idea, that’s okay too. The main point is she understands that your solo routine isn’t a rejection of her.
7. Address Secrecy and Guilt: If this has been hidden for a while, acknowledge that. You might say, “I’m sorry I never brought this up sooner – I wasn’t sure how to talk about it and I don’t want you to feel shut out.” Secrecy can cause more harm than the act itself. Discovering that you've been covertly masturbating can make a partner feel betrayed or not trusted, like “what else are you hiding?”. In fact, counselors warn that when a partner finds out the other has been "secretly" masturbating, it can undermine trust in the relationship. So flipping on the light and being open now can start rebuilding any lost trust. If you’ve ever made your partner feel inadequate because you were dodgy about this topic, reassure them directly now. And if you have been carrying guilt or shame about masturbating, let your partner know that too – “I sometimes felt guilty, like I was doing something wrong, which is why I kept it secret. But I realize it’s a normal thing and I don't want there to be weird secrets between us.” This kind of honesty can be disarming in a good way.
8. Be Prepared for Various Reactions (and Don't Get Defensive): Best case scenario, your partner shrugs and says “Oh, that? Yeah, me too sometimes. No big deal.” Worst case, they feel hurt or upset initially. If it’s the latter, stay calm and kind. Remember that she might be reacting from a place of misunderstanding or insecurity. Reiterate that’s why you wanted to talk – to reassure her and be open. If she needs time to process, that’s fine; the topic might surprise her. The fact that you brought it up proactively (instead of her catching you in the act) already sets a positive tone. Ultimately, most partners will come around to accept, if not fully embrace, that masturbation can coexist with a loving relationship.
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9. Consider a Professional Perspective if Needed: If you hit a wall – say your partner just can’t get past negative feelings about it, or you find it impossible to discuss without fighting – you might enlist the help of a sex therapist. “Working with a sex therapist can help partners have a more open dialogue about their sexual needs, including solo sex,” advises Dr. Jennifer Litner, certified sex therapist.
Sometimes an outside professional can normalize the issue and mediate the emotions so neither of you feels judged. This is absolutely not overkill; lots of couples go to a therapist for much less. Think of it as getting a communication coach for one or two sessions to navigate this intimate topic.
Finally, end the conversation on a loving note. Thank your partner for hearing you out. Maybe agree to keep the dialogue open. You two might even feel a weight lifted – congrats, you just tackled one of the most awkward subjects with maturity and honesty! That deserves a high-five (or maybe a different kind of happy ending later...).
Key Takeaways for Men
Masturbation is Normal – Being in a relationship doesn’t magically switch off your solo desire. Most men masturbate whether they're single or partnered, and it’s usually a healthy part of sexuality. Don’t panic and don't pathologize it.
Benefits Abound – Solo play can relieve stress, improve your mood, boost your libido, and even make you a better lover by teaching you what you like. It can also be a pressure valve in relationships, satisfying extra desires without straining your partner. Used positively, it can enhance your sexual satisfaction, not diminish it.
It’s (Usually) Not a Threat to Your Partner – Masturbating isn’t a reflection of failing attraction or love. Make sure both you and your partner understand: it's not a replacement for them, just a different experience. Clear up any misconceptions (no, it’s not cheating; yes, you still find them incredibly attractive). When done openly and respectfully, masturbation and a healthy relationship can peacefully coexist.
Communication Is Crucial – Secrets breed insecurity. If your partner is in the dark and accidentally discovers your private habit, they’re more likely to feel hurt or betrayed. Have the talk – ideally before any “gotcha!” moments. Approach it with empathy and openness. Use humor if it fits your style, but be respectful. Emphasize that you want to share this because you care about the relationship’s honesty and health.
Listen to Her Feelings – Your partner might need reassurance or might have boundaries (like porn discomfort) that you should hear out. Maybe she’s totally fine with everything – great. But if not, remember this topic can stir up vulnerable feelings. Listen, reassure, and work together on finding common ground. Sometimes just understanding why something bothers her (e.g. “I worry you don’t desire me”) helps you address it effectively (“Trust me, I desire you plenty – let’s talk about ways to keep our spark, I’m all in for that.”).
Find What Works for Both of You – There’s no one-size-fits-all for this. Some couples are super open about masturbation; others treat it as a private but acknowledged part of life. What matters is that you two are on the same page and no one is feeling hurt or left out. That might mean setting a few guidelines, or simply agreeing “Hey, we both do it, it’s cool, we don’t have to give each other a play-by-play.” Do what makes you both comfortable.
Keep It Balanced – If you notice you’d rather stay home alone with your laptop than have sex with your real-life partner regularly, or your partner expresses concern that solo play is replacing intimacy, pay attention. That’s a sign to dial things back and reconnect with your partner, or seek help if you feel stuck in a rut. Masturbation should be a complement to your sex life, not a replacement. And if it ever starts to interfere with daily life or your relationship in a harmful way (like if you’re lying, skipping obligations, or experiencing ED issues from overuse), consider talking to a professional. Those cases are relatively rare, but they do happen.
The Take-Home Message: You don’t have to choose between a happy relationship and a healthy solo sex life. With a bit of honesty and understanding, you can have both. Masturbation for men is a natural, even beneficial thing – the secret sauce is communication and perspective. By normalizing the topic and sharing openly with your partner, you take away the power of misconceptions, guilt, or jealousy to create problems. Instead, you both can laugh about the fact that, yep, humans are sexual beings with quirks and needs, and that’s okay.
So go forth, gentlemen, and handle your business – both in the bedroom and in those private moments – with confidence and openness. As awkward as it might feel initially to talk about, remember that every couple that’s gone there will tell you: it gets easier, and it’s worth it. In the end, it’s just another aspect of intimacy and knowing each other. And who knows? Those conversations might even lead to some exciting new adventures for you and your partner. Happy handshakes! 😉
Great blog. I mainly jack off when my girl is on her period..but other times too. Love my alone time..